Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Infant Steps: What are the Boundaries in Dating?

Dear EROLyrics Readers, hope you've had a great week so far. Thank you for your responses to the last post on the Infant Step Series.

Today, we have another question on this series. It is about boundaries in dating. I remember my mother telling me to keep my legs closed before marriage. I wondered if it was possible in this day and age. Emily's question here reminds me of the same questions I asked my mother when she gave me advice. Please read Emily's question and share with her your experience with boundaries while dating.

Dear Rita,
I am a born again Christian just starting my Christian walk. I have heard so much about avoiding sex before marriage. I have a few questions related to that. First of all, are there men out there who are willing to wait until the wedding day? Secondly, if I have had sex in the past, is it possible to stop?
Assuming I find a guy who is willing to wait, what are the boundaries while dating in terms of being physical? What can I do and what should I not do?

I truly look forward to your response. Thank you.

If you have any questions you would like to discuss on the Infant Steps Series, please drop me an email at esurunma@gmail.com or leave the question as a comment in any of my blog posts.

All posts on the Infant Steps Series will be posted on Tuesdays, 9 AM West Africa Time.


Kafo said...

first ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kafo said...

okay so now to the issue at hand.

1. Yes there are men willing to wait, i am currently in a relationship with a 27 year old ADONIS who actually hasn't had sex and is willing to wait and i can speak for 2 other close male friends who had sex in the past but now that they are born again and in committed relationship they are celibate.

2. Yes you can be celibate after having had sex before, with God all things are possible, premarital sex is like alcohol and drugs and porn and masturbation and cursing you can overcome it.

3. Boundaries are relative. I am not saying that we have different standards but different things set different people off, for instance i can cuddle next to my man and watch all 12 hours of lord of the rings and it just be about Aragorn and the ring and frodo but for others cuddling leads to foreplay almost instantly because in their past they brains have formed a link between the two. So you need to know what sets you off and what turns affection into lust in your mind and proceed from there, this also goes the same for him because what may seem to you as just affection might actually be turning him on which isn't good. so yeah ask yourself the question what is affection and what makes mii hot and draw the line there.

may God continue to be with you as you strive to follow in his will.

did i mention that i was first
i really need to go to bed

Uzezi said...

to your first question, yes, there are men out there who are willing to wait.

and if you have had sex before, it is possible to stop. it is not easy, but His Grace is sufficient.

It takes serious determination, mind training, letting the spirit reign, avoiding those things and actions and thoughts that can lead to sex. committing your bodies into God's hand and to be used to glorify Him.
It isn't easy. It isn't a day's job. But as long as you avaoid all that leads to sex, by God's grace you will be fine.

as for boundaries, you have to create them for yourselves, because you know your strength better, and you know your weaknesses as well

fantasy queen said...

there are men out there....unfortunately they're hard to find.

i researched this same topic online. and most sites had talks about kissing being unaccepted to, cos when you kiss, you arouse desires and that brings about lust...and lust is a sin.
some argued against this fact. but what do i know? thats why i was researching in the first place.

i love what kafo says though. makes sense.

Remi, United Kingdom said...

lol @your mother's command on keeping your legs closed. That was my mothers chant when I was growing up! God bless that woman!

My 2 cents are thus: As there are women who are striving to keep themselves pure, there are men too, who are doing the same. The prayer is to meet them.

Yes one can become celebate afterwards. It is understandable and she and if not all of us have had a life in the world, before we found Jesus. Jesus forgives.

Boundaries in dating - the phrase I heard a long time ago comes to mind "Don't touch what you don't have".

However, there are practical things she can do like not being alone for long periods of time with whoever she is datng. Sometimes this causes us to get a bit too relaxed and emotions start to take over.. we all know how it is! lol.. We must never think we can't fall into temptation. The line is extremely thin to cross.

If you are going away on a break together, book separate hotel rooms.

Be accountable to at least one person and make sure that the gentleman is also.

Read up on reputable christian books on dating and speak to those around her who are believer and now married and how they managed whilst dating.

Have a great week.
Much love

jhazmyn said...

Yes, there are guys that would wait, i have a friend who got married a virgin and he was 31 when he got married...(I totally respect him for that)

Being celibate after having had sex before is a tough call but as the bible says, with God all things are possible. Its really about depending on the Holy Spirit for grace and accepting that grace.

As for boundaries in dating, i think you shouldn't dabble into what you cant handle. For me, i could kiss my hubby (not like long passionate kisses though)and it wont go further, we could lie on the same bed and watch a movie and it wont go further, so i think it depends on both parties.

Also like Remi said, if you're travelling together, separate bedrooms would help, i remember a trip i took with hubby and we got a single room to save cost (also believing we could stay the night without misbehaving), we learnt by experience that we were not as strong as we thought we were.

Bottom line, you know your limits and your weaknesses so dont tempt them

Gee said...

Kafo....wise words o!
nd about the celibate thing after sex....so true!ok im off to work!

doll said...

, yes…my new bf is 29 and he has never had ex before…he wants to keep it that way till marriage…yes there should be boundaries and it should be discusse and each partner should help the other…to keep the boundaries

Geebee said...

Hmmm, this seems like a question for the Popes and Holies.lol. Really now, I strongly believe the world today has changed and chastity has practically disappeared even in the house of God! But God’s standards remain sure and it states that pre-marital sex is WRONG but can we help it? It takes God’s grace and that’s what we should continue to ask for. And YES, Emily, there are still men out there who can wait. I’m not saying I can though but I’m trying to fit into that profile. It takes God’s grace.

Telekinesys said...

Yep there are chaps still out there who will wait because they respect you and reverence God.I was celibate until i got married last month. It wasn't easy given that i had been there.
Truth is you and your man will have to agree to help each other in moments of weakness cos there will be. A trick is offering it as a sacrifice to God for a good marriage ahead.My wife and I told God we were not going to engage in sex until we had stood before him at the altar to be joined.There was a 2 month span between our registry and church weddings and we survived even that.
With boundries really if you can convince yourselves and God that kissing and touchy-feely glorifies God then go for it.

simeone said...

lol @ broda telekynesis...you are beeed(bad)...rotf..i like the way u put the last 2 lines...
If u can ..then i can...cheers..

CaramelD said...

I don't know any of those guys oh!!!!!!!!!

uche said...

Im an ardent reader of ur blog, On this one it has been harrrdddwwooorrkk. Extra hardwork!. My roomates have tackled me on this one. Not that i dont like guys ohh! Infact i like them but.... I no do.
As a christian it leaves u feeling very guilty and weak, to the point where u might stop praying effectively. Im praying God gives me the grace to stand until im maried. B

Debbie said...

What more can I add to such beautiful and truthtul comments, but this.

Invite the holy spirit into the relationship and fill your hearts with God's word.
With God all things are easy!

Iyke said...

wow where do I start from? i'll keep it simple for the sake of this discussion. yes there are guys out there willing to wait, and as a wise woman once said, sex happens behind closed doors or in dark corners, or basicaly in hiding, it takes two 2 plan and execute, so if you want 2 remain pure, dont "plan" 4 it, ie dont stay together alone behind closed doors, in dark corners, or suspicious settings. that much you can do on your own, the rest has 2 do with focusing your attention on God and his goodness, grace and majesty.(i speak 4rm personal experience, it works) ask d owner of this blog :-)

anonymous gal said...

very few men are willing to wait and be patient. the setting boundaries thing- well no privatte places alone settles it.

bArOquE said...

A whole lot will depend on the lifestyle of the people, their expectations of relationships, & their idea/need of romance. Noting that romance need not be sexual.

Varying between couples though, boundaries will continue to be pushed until they find a ceiling within the limits of perceived permissibility. The appearance of evil we’re meant to be fleeing from is quite relative.

There is a thin line between attraction and lust. Sex is an integral part of marriage therefore if you are not sexually attracted to your betrothed partner the marriage is already heading for disaster. Attraction doesn’t happen over night. Marriage is for adults only.

Bottom line, there is no hard & fast rule. Kiss if you can hold it, if you can’t, don’t even hold hands.

bArOquE said...

There are lots of men that are willing to wait till marriage & your having sex before in the past is in the past…Behold all things have become new, don’t dwell on it. Gods doesn’t hold it against you, so why should you?

Writefreak said...

A subject close to my heart...

1. If there are women willing to wait for marriage, there are men like that. You only have to be like minded...'can two walk together unless they agree?' I know a lot of male friends who got married as virgins...

2. It's possible to be celibate after having had sx, although it takes the power of the Holy Spirit and a willing heart.

3. Regarding boundaries, i'd say follow your heart. Dont do what your heart condemns you for...and like Remi i would say something practical like not staying alone together for too long behind closed doors. COncentrate on knowing each other, other than each other's bodies!

O'Dee said...

there are men too, who are willing to wait, but waiting isnt easy, esp if you are in a relationship with someone and truly love 'em.

For 2 pple in a relationship not to have sex, they have to talk it through, and understand each other.

Really nothing is impossible with God.

Hadassah said...

I don't think I can add any more to the wonderful comments said. There are men who will wait, they might seem to be a minority but they are worth waiting for. My watchword is to remember that God is with me at all times and ALL that I do is to give Him glory. If you knew Jesus were sitting with you and your boo what would you do? That keeps me on track!

Original Mgbeke said...

I read through all these comments and I say much props! Abeg where are these men that are willing to wait? Shoot a sister an email. :-D

I mean, for real sha...it seems that all that I run into are men who say 'heck no, bodi no be firewood' but thank God for patient folk who are out there in this world. Chei, e no go easy but like everyone has said...'with God, all things are possible'.


There are many men willing to wait. Just because someone has had sex does not mean they can't stop. The boundaries for a 'virgin' are simple - no sexual activity and the 'virgin' determines what that means. I would think, no oral, no penetration maybe bumping and grinding is allowed, but I would encourage 'virgin' to avoid that.

Best of luck!


Unbiased said...

I agree with most here. You can do whatever you set your mind to. If the dude is not willing to persevere for your beliefs then maybe you are not on the same page and have no business being with him at all.

Communication is also key. Discuss it. Set your boundaries with each other and if the flames are too hot dont see in private but in public.

The temptations are strong but there is always the choice to give in to it or not.

Just right at that split second in your mind you know when you have made the decision to fall or not. May God give you the strength to resist. (Not for His sake but for yours). So you can be proud of achieving your goals.

Rita said...

A document to share...
Dating: God’s way Versus the World’s Way http://www.creflodollarministries.org/BibleStudy/Articles.aspx?id=291

Parakeet said...

Wow I cant believe I read all the comments. I'm glad there's a consensus on the issue. I'm actually going away really feeling like I can do this.

Thanks Rita for sharing the link.

heyniks said...

Really good comments!
If i might add a good way to avoid temptation and abstain from premarital sex is to keep busy in the relationship. I was speaking to a male friend of mine i while ago and he made a good point of saying that people have sex when their bored and when they run out of things to say to each other. Going away and having thought about it, i discovered that its actually quite true. Spend time talking and getting to know each other intimatly rather intimacy in the sexual way, avoid being alone together for too long especially at night and when you are alone together as i've said spend time talking, play board games that wont cause your mind to wonder elsewhere, cook together...its all about being creative.

atlanta said...

This is a touchy subject. Adam and Eve never "got married." Also many people who live in tribes don't officially "get married", but in most societies, it is natural to have monogamous lifetime partnerships. Casual sex, though, can have consequences like STD's and can really cause feelings to get hurt. Cheating can lead to violence on the outsider. Lifetime commitment to healthy relationships is the goal that will produce healthy families.

dayo coker said...

hi.definately there are men who are willing to wait just that they are hard to find and very few.sure you can be celibate it's all by God's grace.Boudaries?i think they've been well expressed...don't be alone,kissing and unnecesary intimacy is a no-no..what else can i say?