Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Infant Steps: What happens when you have tried to live right yet it appears nothing good is coming your way?

Beloved EROLyrics Readers,

Hope you have started experiencing the blessedness of the week. Covenant grace and peace be to you in the name of Jesus our Lord and Savior, who reigns forevermore.

Today’s question on the Infant Steps Series comes from a lady who has kept herself yet feels a bit discouraged. I personally was glad and impressed to know we still have ladies like this, and I have spent time talking to her (but I don't know if it helped). Please read her question below. I trust you will have encouraging responses to share. Thank you.

Dear Rita,

I grew up with parents, relatives and neighbors constantly teaching me how to live like a good Christian girl and keeping a close watch on me and constantly drumming into me that pre-marital sex is a sacrilege. I had all my education close to home so there wasn't much opportunity to live a wayward life and eventually, when I started living alone, I had come to believe that pre-marital sex was such a horrible sin that try as much as I wanted, I couldn't live otherwise. I am a very jovial and outgoing person but very principled, thanks to all those teachings.

Now, I am 26, have a good career but I have not been able to bring myself to love anyone because, the first time I meet any man, the first thing that comes to my mind is that he wants to sleep with me and then my Christian morals come screaming and then, the barricade unconsciously comes up and I eventually chase the man away. I have only been able to have one unsuccessful relationship and it was unsuccessful because I was too scared to love him for fear that it would make me go easy on my principles and lead to sex with him. I have tried severally recently to break that jinx and force myself to get past that level sexually but I always feel horribly guilty every time I try to have any form of sexual dealing with a man.

Now when I look back at my school years, I feel like I lost out on a youthful part of my life, the times I could have done all the crazy things possible and really caught my fun because eventually I would have come back to God. At times, I catch myself wishing I could re-live those years, do all the crazy things and then, ask God for forgiveness and get born-again. I know it is a horrible thing to say and it sounds like I’m taking God’s mercy for granted but I’m being very honest with you, that’s the way I feel cos all my supposed goodness have not paid off in any way. My friends that were the “bad ones” in school then and did all the crazies are having a wonderful time in their lives both with wonderful careers and the best of husbands. I still have not been able to love anyone; I still have not found the knight in shining armor that was supposed to sweep me off my feet once I “kept” myself. I feel like I have been cheated out of life. Now I fear that I might end up marrying a man that would not even appreciate the fact that I “kept” myself because it is now all so old fashioned.

The only reason I am still holding on is because there is an adage in my place that says that you don’t learn to use your left hand in old age, I would look stupid now at this time in my life if I try to start doing all the things I missed out on in School, dating different men and all that but that is the way I feel; cheated out of some grand fun!

My question is: What happens when you have tried to live right, by the books, according to all the instructions and yet nothing good is coming your way while every other person that has supposedly led a “not so good” life has it all going for them?

Best Regards,


If you have any questions you would like to discuss on the Infant Steps Series, please drop me an email at esurunma@gmail.com or leave the question as a comment in any of my blog posts.

If you want to view past questions and answers on the Infant Steps Series, please check the list on the sidebar right of the blog.

All posts on the Infant Steps Series will be posted on Tuesdays, 9 AM West Africa Time.


Harry-Rami Itie said...

OK..this is my opinion... I know how it feels to want to live life on the fast lane and do all the things you never did but I always ask my question is it worth it? Besides, the life I am living is not mine.. It is Christ... I was bought with a price so even if I want to do all these things I can't...

jhazmyn said...

In my little opinion, i don't see how good things elude you Queen, infact i think its a beautiful thing to be 26 and to have kept yourself this long.

That being said, you also need to understand that a relationship is more about companionship than anything else...refusing to get close to a guy because you are scared you would compromise your stand robs you of the joy of true love and companionship...plus, if you finally get married still having this mindset, issues may arise with your spouse as regards intimacy in marriage.

The christian faith teaches that sex outside of marriage is sin but it doesn't teach that sex on its own is a sin, sex is beautiful and even in abstinence we need to understand that fact, so in our marriage, it can be the blessed act that God intended it to be.

I think I'm beginning to babble, but what I'm trying to say is this...as much as you have embraced abstinence till marriage, you also need to embrace the freeing nature of true love...true love, the bible says, casts out fear, i do pray you get past this and allow your heart to embrace the love of the one who is right for you...The Lord that has kept you faithful thus far is able to keep you faithful, even in a true relationship.


Omotee! said...

jhazmyn is right on point.
abstinence is good and laudable and believe me, that wont change.
however, it shouldnt stop u from experiencing the joys of love and companionship.
lots of good things are in ur way, God never fails.
in other words, open up your heart and not ur legs.

Writefreak said...

Feeling this way shows you're human. We're all human.

Now, i'll say this. Being a Christian is a way of life, it's something we do because we have Christ in us, it's not the works we do (yes Christians are supposed to live right) but you're not a Christian because you live right (moralists live right), you live right because you're a Christian.

You have done very great being 26 and being able to keep yourself. But if you haven't done it with the right attitude and you're now regretting it, that's not good. I'll tell you something from my personal experience, keeping myself till i got married was the best gift i could have given myself and my husband.

I never felt left out, I never thought I could be out there enjoying myself (is that really enjoyment?) I knew I was pleasing God and that was the most important thing. Have you ever thought about your relationship with God? Are you a Christian just because you were taught it's the right way to be? Or are you a Christian because you love God and want to follow His ways? That's a question I challenge you to answer.

Please, try and open your heart and let GOd work in you. He has a man for you and seriously, not all men approach you because they want to sleep with you. Sex is not ungodly, it's not dirty (IN MARRIAGE). It's a beautiful thing and you must give yourself this orientation.

I hope you can open up your heart to God, let Him lead you to the right man and have a blissful life after that.

It is well!

Ms. 'dufa said...

She might just feel that she's missed out on some of the good things of life. When she observes other people who are not as "good" or chase as her, getting happily married and settling down well, its not unusual for her to question whether there's any reward for all her goodness.

Thinking about all the "fun" she's missed in the past for the sake of being "good" can be very depressing.

Its wonderful to know that at 26, she's still keeping herself for her husband.

As much as she wants to remain that way, she should change her outlook of life and stop thinking of herself as the only "good" one and thinking of every prospective suitor as a bad guy out to defile her.

She should grow out of this childish mentality and approach relationships with an open mind.

Since she still intends to keep herself till marriage, then before a relationship gets serious she should make it plain that she's not having sex before marriage. This will not chase the guy away. If he's really interested, he'll proceed to getting to know her better. I assume, the guy (if he has sense) will be impressed by her stand.

She really should not being defensive and thinking every guy wants sex from her. She should open her mind to new relationships and enjoy herself as much as possible.

2cute4u said...

I was into sex for a couple of years and one day I made a decision to abstain, ofcourse ive had to breakup three relationships cause they actually thought that I'd cave in when I get used to the idea, whatever that means.It's been hard and challenging and whatever i work hard at getting, these sex terms spring up and I would also walk away.. but you know what?even though i was none the better, I had never felt better than i had in the time i always engaged in sex.. so chin up, the best is yet to come.

Kafo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Writefreak said...

Kafo: i agree with you...though i think your comment was full of passion :-)

Well done for keeping yourself! This is a subject i'm very passioante about myself.

There are actually loads of good sxuality books in good bookstores, you just have to go to the right ones.

Maybe we could recommend some titles?

Blowing Blessings Your Way said...

The first thing that I want to say is that there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. Secondly, the question is did you keep yourself because you were told to do so by family, etc. I believe that you should ask God for a personal revelation relative to your situaion.

Fear is of the devil, I think you should be open-minded and seek God's guidance concerning relationships.

And lastly, I know that God is a faithful God and he'll surely reward you for all your good deeds...just praise him in advance and have the right attitude about it.

Good luck! Hope that was helpful.

Myne Whitman said...

The others have said it all. I wish you the best as you proceed with your life choices.

Vera Ezimora said...

I don't know if I qualify to answer this question, but here's what I think:

Most of us were brought up in one of two ways:

1. Our parents taught us how to be disciplined in school, respectful to elders, and all that good stuff, but they forgot to tell us how to live holy, Christian lives.

2. Our parents taught us how to be holy, how to read the bible everyday, and how to be workers in church, but they forgot to tell us how to do all these AND still live our lives.

Loving a man and loving God are not mutually exclusive. Being in a relationship does not mean you have to have sex either. Fleeing away from all men will keep you from having sex, but it will also keep you from having a man.

So here's what I propose: Every thing in life needs spiritual guidance. Before you get into a relationship with ANY man, take it to the Lord in prayer. Talk to the guy. Find out his views about sex. If he's the kind who will not be in a relationship without sex, then forget him. If he's the kind that will wait - not just because of you, but because he knows it's the right thing to do - then give him a chance, if you like him.

While in the relationship, please pray always. Temptations are always lurking. From experience, I can tell you that the face that you're so afraid of sex, and so mindful of it will mean that it will constantly be in your head and your heart.

Don't worry about sex. Don't even see it as an option. I'm not saying you should be foolish, though. You should still be as wise as a serpent. Think of it think way, if alcohol is not on your mind, you wouldn't be constantly worried about getting drunk.

... Long comment. Sorry. I'm now also too tired to proof read.

Goodluck ... and God bless.

Anonymous said...

hi Queen, i lost my virginity at the same exact age. i regret it because it was lost to a wrong man. i decided to break myself loose and experience what full love is....however it was experienced with the guy i choose and not the guy God choose for me. i'll advice you to hold on and keep praying that the Lord will bring the right man across. when He does, you will know. just remain in prayers and He will surely guide you. Lastly, do not regret that other are enjoying their husbands/family. you're not inside thier home to see the fight/turmoil/disagreements that goes on. fianlly, YOUR GOOD DEEDS WILL NOT QUALIFY YOU FOR A SEAT IN HEAVEN!!! even if you do not sin from today till you die "you will not enter the gates of heaven. the word of God said that ALL HAVE SINNED AND COME SHORT GLORY OF GOD. its only thru the precious blood of Jesus that we are sanctified. thru His grace only. if the devil points at your sins tell him that the Blood of Jesus is strong & mighty to wash away all unrighteousness. i'm now 29yrs, living in sin city nyc. i've had mine own share of heartaches. sweetheart the trouble is not worth it. pray for the right man to cut all drama that are in relationships these days. another very last point. there's nothing you're missing out. PLEASE PLEASE BELIEVE ME! stay grounded in God and His word. read this book by Joseph Prince "DESTINED TO REIGN"

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of a song I like very much (Sang by" My Testimony" "Tha Truth")
Let me translate the song, in case you are not a rap person :-)

I thought my testimony was less the holy, I thought that I was less blessed then my homies, just confessing only the big sins, I thought that was a badge of honor, I thought that I had to have a story that was packed with drama, But I aint ever been shot, no big crimes, never smoked weed, never drank, I never did time, I grew up with both parents both cheering me on, teaching me basic things like no swearing (no swearing son),
It's so apparent I came up in the church, socially thats where I ganed my worth, learned to pray and to serve my self for God displaying its worth, without liv'n a day on the earth, just the average kid, you know the type that like to play in the dirt, came home with dirt stains on my shirt,its like in the same old verse, at the table no games no hurts, And I knew I was called before the day of my birth, And its like dat,

I aint got no horror story God kept me in my youth I give him all the glory got my story with the flow,and now I know the blood of the lamb has saved my soul and that's my testimony,
I aint got no horror story God kept me in my youth I give him all the glory I thought my story doghe but now I know the blood of the lamb saved my soul and that's my testimony
I aint no gangster, I aint tough cause of rap, never been cuffed and stuffed in the back of a patty-wagon, I aint never cuss in my raps, I started gospel most aint accustom to that,
Let me get back, when I was young I used to think I was corny, Cause I didn't grow up in the projects drinking the 40, And I aint never had no thug dude sneaking upon me, And everybody had the name brand sneakers before me, And it made me really made but as I grew up my mom and pops taught me never to chase silly fads, they told me focus and bought me note books I really had hav'n parents they introduced me to Billy Graham

See I aint got no horror story God kept me as a brother I give him all the glory, In school, pretty girls in the hall ignored me, called me church boy,but I wasn't bothered normally though, Sometimes I would hate living the life of a saint, They saw the Christian boy and light right from the gate, thought I would preach so they tried to escape but I guess that's just the price of pronouncing your faith, and its like dat.

I aint got no horror story God kept me in my youth I give him all the glory I thought my story didn't flow, But now I know the blood of the lamb has saved my soul and that's my testimony,
I aint got no horror story God kept me in my youth I give him all the glory I thought my wasn't dope but now I know the blood of the lamb saved my soul and that's my testimony

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I'm prefect, Matter fact I took thoughts and conveyed about cursing, I was saving my pain it was worse then it should have been man I was ashamed just to say I'm a virgin, plus I was too afraid to admit I was a Christian, I spent most of those days trying to prove I was hip, plus trying to prove I was cool, trying to move like a pimp, My testimony wasn't cool enough yet, Then I came to my senses I put my brain to the scriptures, Thought of how Christ was blameless to sinners, He didn't grow up on the corner fornicating with sisters, A good Jew grew in favor of wisdom, That gave me relief , rearranged my belief no longer thinking what I'm saying is weak, I aint never been sprayed in the street but saved by his grace plus raised to my feet, And its like that,

I aint got no horror story God kept me in my youth I give him all the glory I thought my story didn't flow, But now I know the blood of the lamb has saved my soul and that's my testimony, I aint got no horror story God kept me in my youth I give him all the glory I thought my wasn't dope but now I know the blood of the lamb saved my soul and that's my testimony

Rita said...

Dear Queen,

Your question is indeed valid and genuine. The comments I am sure are encouraging and will help you. I just decided to leave a few lines (hopefully few) in case some other person going through a similar situation gets to read this.

I know of someone who decided not to cheat in school, graduated with 2-2 while her friend who "sorted" came out with 2-1. I know of a lady who kept her virginity before marriage, eventually got married yet did not have kids on time, while her sister who was wayward had no challenge in having children. Such things happen and I know they are discouraging.

But the truth is, the righteous will never be forsaken nor will their seed beg for bread [Psalm 37:25]. These people mentioned above have their testimonies. They are still standing strong.

Also the bible has instruction and promises in this regard
"Don’t worry about the wicked or envy those who do wrong. For like grass, they soon fade away. Like spring flowers, they soon wither.
Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes..." [Psalms 37:1-7]

You have something many women would desire. You have something that shows you are different. You have something that speaks of you. Treasure it.

I know many men you meet would put sex as top priority in the relationship, but it does not mean there are no good guys out there who fear God and who will value you. If you believe, God will give you such a man. Such a man will be sociable, interesting, loving, and exceed what you desire in a man.

Note here my clause, "if you believe". This is because I sense a fear in you that time has past and you may not get the kind of man you want. Entertaining fear could bring to pass that thing you fear [Job 3:25]. I want you to start rebuking that spirit of fear and rest in the love of God and the truth that God, who is your Father, who is a Rewarder, cannot give you something that is not good for you.

Thank God that you have kept yourself this long. If you are keeping yourself, keep yourself because you love and reverence God. Thank God that you do not have to go through what those who had premarital sex have to deal with like spiritual bondage to someone else, having to deal with STDs and their consequences, comparing your husband to someone else, or even heartbreak, just to name a few.

You will be in a better position to teach your children how to keep themselves before marriage, and you will know their struggles because you faced them yourself.

Sex is beautiful in marriage, as God intended. Hold on a little while, wait on God, and await your testimonies. You have a wonderful life ahead of you.

Stay blessed.

Enkay said...

I think attitude and motive are of utmost importance here.

If you kept yourself for all the wrong reasons then you are not much better than those who lost theirs.

But you're human so it's okay.

Now the work starts 'cos you need to renew your mind with regards to sex, love and your life.

Know that God has your best interests at heart and He'll give you the best if you ask Him.

When you find that special person you'll agree that your wait was worth it.

Queen said...

I have read through each and every one of the comments over and over again and every one of them has left me with something to think about and very valuable lessons to put into practice. I am very grateful to all of you for your very candid advice and opinion. I am especially grateful to a few people that made comments that touched me deeply.
First two are jhazmyn and Omotee!. jhazmyn sounded very understanding and encouraging. Omotee! said something that struck me. She/he said “in other words, open up your heart and not ur legs.” It’s definitely an action item I’ve taken up, to free up my heart.
Also, Writefreak evoked a lot of soul-searching in me with the words she wrote “Being a Christian is a way of life, it's something we do because we have Christ in us, it's not the works we do….. you're not a Christian because you live right (moralists live right), you live right because you're a Christian”.
I have always known this but until now, I never realized before how much I was hoping God will bless me because I felt I had been good. Come to think of it, who is good anyway? I have not even been a bit as good as most people I know. The fact that she also waited till marriage encourages me to wait too.
Then to Blowing Blessings Your Way, thanks for your input as well. To answer your question and every other person who might have asked or wondered same thing, I didnt stay this way because I was told by my family. I was also told by my father to study medicine but I studied Engineering. My point is, I choose it because I personally discovered that was the path I wanted as well. I love being a Christian and it was a personal decision.
A big thanks to Vera Ezimora. I really appreciate her advice about taking sex off my mind cos dwelling on it a lot means I will keep meeting the kind of guys that that is all they will ask for. Talk about the law of gravitational force.
I also appreciate what the anonymous writers said; the 2nd anonymous writer…hmm…I never believed I could be ministered to through a rap song but you did talk to me with that successfully. Thanks for sharing that.
Then finally to Rita, can I ever say thank you enough for this blog and for making out time to talk to me personally? For those that do not know, Rita is someone I really admire, respect a lot and value her opinion a lot although I don’t think she knows this either. She commands a lot of respect and admiration in the office as well, she is what I would call the perfect Christian woman so when she spoke to me, I listened and absorbed everything she said to ponder on later. I would not lie, I was not very convinced the time we talked about this because I was too busy trying to convince her why she should see things my way but when I got home and picked through her words again and again, they began to filter through to my heart. I made out time to read Psalm 37 which she had recommended. I had never read that Psalm before regarding my situation so it was like fresh words jumping into my face and amongst all the things I have read here on this blog, that Psalm touched me and got to me more than any other thing said here cos its coming from the Master himself, God. If He said it, He will do it. It’s no speculation.
Rita was right in saying she sensed fear in me, my biggest fear “was” (note the past tense) ending up with the wrong man, giving away to pressure and settling for less than what God intends for me but it is one challenge I have decided to take up. I have made it my action item to counter my fearful thoughts with positive thoughts. Its not coming off easy cos its like re-programming my mind but by the grace of God, I know I shall achieve it.
Thanks once more to everyone.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tricia said...

Queen first of i think that is good that you have kept your purity for that long, i wont repeat what has been said..i hope you do reach a point you can have a relationship and you wont fear that you'll sin, let God guide you and open your heart to him who is right for you.

Sisto said...

My take is WAIIIITTTT.I can assure you that ur miracle is just abt to happen.The truth is,the devil makes a lot of options appealing to us just before our breakthroughs come; just so that we miss our blessings. Please read James 1:1-11.I implore you not to doubt that ur gift is just around the corner. I am a testimony of the same wait. I came close to breaking down at various times but I held on the God's grace.I'm glad I waited.God's grace is more than abundant,neevr cease to tap into it.
Enuf of the biblical back-ups. To life and living,you're still a young chic and u have a whole life ahead of you.There would be times when you would feel stupid for waiting especially when it seems your friends who have been on the fast lane have been blessed by good husbands and kids.Things aren't always as they seem.At a point I began to fall for the saying that "good girls finish last". But who says they do,and even if the good girls finish last,they finish well and that's what matters. Who says they're happy anyway? we all think the grass is greener on the other side but please wait till those neighbours tell you how much their water bills are.
Just hold on,ur perfect gift is around the corner.I say that with authority cos YES,i'm a witness....stay blessed

Philip said...

Dear Queen,

I sit here and wonder how much joy your sacrifice brings to God. Lets start with establishing that fact: Keeping yourself is not just for yourself or for any man. It is firstly and most importantly for God. This is the heart of the matter. If you have this understanding, you will be able to say like Esther in the bible, “If I perish, I perish”. I have a close friend and a sister who through her younger age only met guys who wanted sex first. She kept herself. Today she is 53, still single. I recall having a conversation with her once and she said to me (I paraphrase), “It is better to go to heaven a single than to roth in hell married”. Hmmm. Maybe it’s a hard stance but I get the point. It’s a matter of “how far can we go for our love for God”. Marriage is a blessing of cos but when we try to outsmart God I think there is always a penalty. I tell you the truth, you did not lose anything by choosing this path, and actually, you gained everything. I pray your eyes of understanding be opened to see this. People keep trying to define what it takes to enjoy life. The person who is/has enjoyed life is defined as he that has Christ. Enjoyment has a lot to do with your mind and the enjoyment of sex is for a moment but your obedience to God is for eternity!
A dilemma I have just now is that you may have been taken to an extremity of morality/holiness (by those around you at the time) that is impacting your relational life. This you will need to deliberately work on and pray about.
Another interesting matter you brought up. Should we sin knowing that we can always repent and God will always forgive? I think not. God forbids us to do that. We can preach a sermon on this but I don’t think this is how God wants us to run this race. “Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? No, God forbid (Rom 6:1)
I will be glad to discuss more with you.

God bless.